


Mistakes were made, lessons learned

by ButterflyPrincess



Category: Original Work
Genre: Coping with things, F/F, League Of Legends mentioned, Love Letters
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-05-01
Updated: 2016-05-01
Packaged: 2018-06-05 16:41:51
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,294
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6712840
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ButterflyPrincess/pseuds/ButterflyPrincess
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Dear Shiro (I know you wanted this to be your name),</p><p>Should I ask how you are doing? Probably, but you would most likely just call me crazy or stupid if I started this with such a simple question. Because this isn't something this ever was – simple.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Mistakes were made, lessons learned

**Author's Note:**

> Just something I needed to get off my soul, so I could finally stop thinking about it.
> 
> For the people who actually want to hear me cry.

Dear Shiro (I know you wanted this to be your name),

 

Should I ask how you are doing? Probably, but you would most likely just call me crazy or stupid if I started this with such a simple question. Because this isn't something _this_ ever was – simple.

 

Although I thought it was going to be when I got to know you. I guess it was a little Tweet that caught my attention as we both kinda shipped Hai and Bunny and that's how it started. All I thought was “hey, that's a nice girl there” without thinking much of it. You occasionally replied to me and I did the same with you. It was like shy elementary school pupils on their first day in school or anything.

 

One day you called me adorable. Jesus, that caught me off-guard so hard that my heart started jumping at it randomly. You added me on League, we played together the first time, we started texting. And that's how I realized that this wasn't going to be easy. Not at all.

 

You told me something about you being depressed and anxious and having a multiple-personality disorder but you know what? I didn't care. Because you were a person that was just so likeable to me that I thought I could deal with it. And I did for the most part. I laughed with you on days when you started joking around and I accepted the quiet days when you would get mad easily.

 

We started skyping and I should've realized that I had a serious problem at that point. Because I was so, _so_ nervous. Like, what the fuck I had never been this nervous in my entire life. I became uncertain of my English skills (which I rarely am) and I didn't want to disappoint you in any regard. I know you need that one perfect person to keep yourself together when the world is being harsh. I wanted to be that person for you.

 

I should've realized that I really, _really_ liked you. Oh, who am I kidding, I had a devastating crush on you. Holy fuck, I needed tea to relax everytime I talked to you just to survive. I thought about you night and day and my heart skipped a beat everytime you texted me. I was seriously in love and that with a person I had never even met.

 

But it consumed me. My heart broke with every insult you threw at me when mad. Everytime you accused me of lying to you, everytime you told me you had no friends when I tried to be your friend _so hard._ I tried so hard but I never really let myself try too hard.

 

When you told me you had a crush on me I should've said that I liked you back, that I felt the fucking same because that's what I did. I had fallen for a girl I hadn't ever seen, not even in a picture or something. But you know what? That wouldn't have changed anything at all, I was already to deep. You could've been 500 pounds of pure fat and ugliness and I still would've liked you the same.

I didn't say any of this. When you said I should ignore it, I did because foolish as I am I believed that this was what you wanted me to do. Well, not even women get women at times, I guess?

 

What I understand now is that from then on, I probably hurt you with every word I said. You were clearly hurt but I was too blind to see it because I was so fucking selfish I wanna punch myself for it. Like, with a chair. Made of stone.

 

I thought it was impossible, you know? I thought it was impossible for us to be a thing because I live in Germany, you in Great Britain, how's that supposed to work? I tried to keep you at a certain distance, to push away even. I didn't want to get involved but I already was. I just didn't realize it.

 

I needed over two months and a positive example in my best friend and her boyfriend that we indeed could've worked in a weird way. But I still am not the type for this. Not that you ever understood that.

 

I just want you to understand me and my last action. Or rather non-action.

 

I know I hurt you and that's horrible and I've never felt more guilty about anything but... You hurt me, too. And not only once or twice.

 

Didn't you understand that it hurt me when you accused me of lying to you when I said I wasn't in a good mood and you thought I only said that to get rid of you? I really was in a bad mood and butt-hurt after that. It hurt me when you said you had no friends when I tried to be one. It made me feel like a terrible person when you said I only said I was a bad friend because I didn't want to be your friend. It _destroyed_ me when you said you had a date one day after telling me you had a crush on me.

 

But what hurt me the most was that you didn't get why the distance between us was a huge problem for me. I couldn't deal with the thought of not being able to ever see you. I wanted to see you, to hug you, geez I wanted to kiss you so bad, you don't even know. I was so hard for me to imagine us being a thing without meeting. I mean, a trip from Germany to Wales or vice-versa isn't impossible but what was I going to tell my parents? “Hey, I'm visiting that girl from England I haven't ever seen yet. Oh and yes I like girls, just so you know, sorry Dad.” ?

 

You are 21 years old, an adult. You can do what you like without anyone being able to really stop you. But I can't. I was 16 at the time and now I'm 17. I'm not an adult. I'm still attending school and have parents to look out for me. Also, I'm young and emotionally and sexually frustrated, let's be real here. Do you really think I could've dealt with all this? I don't because I certainly know myself better than you do.

 

That's why I didn't reply when you said you couldn't understand my problem. You even said I'm a terrible person, thanks for that one. Maybe I am, who knows?

 

I want you to know that especially lately I think a lot about you. I think about what we could've been. I think that I might have made a mistake in letting you go.

 

I never hated you. Even though I tried to tell myself so after your last message. I could never hate. I told you so, multiple times. You never believed me.

 

Maybe I could have fixed that I had instantly answered you, explained to you further why I acted like this but now it's just too late. I'm trying to move on here and I hope I can do it. I guess I just needed to write down my thoughts to get over it.

 

I hope your life turns out to be nice.

 

Love, Jess (because you were the only person to ever call me like that)

 

 

PS: I'm better at League now, thanks for your tips, I learned everything you taught me by heart. If I ever hit Diamond, it's all thanks to you because you telling me I could do that was the biggest motivation I've ever experienced.

Also, I hope you never read this. Bye.

 


End file.
